


i hope i can't even remember my dreams

by pinkariess (lovelcce)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:34:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28969911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelcce/pseuds/pinkariess
Summary: The woman behind the counter in the cafe let out a soft ahem towards the two boys, who silently glared at each other. Daichi let his shoulders drop and rolled his eyes.“I know you don’t want to.” He said, quietly now that the woman working the counter was watching. “But I think it’d be best for you and your grade.”“Since when do you care about my grades?”“Since it interfered with me doing my homework.”
Relationships: Sugawara Koushi & Everyone
Kudos: 5





	i hope i can't even remember my dreams

Sugawara Koushi sighed, pulling his arms over his head in an attempt to stretch. He’d been working on a sociology assignment for the past two hours in a small cafe on campus, reordering tea and energy bars to muscle through it. It wasn’t hard, the assignment. At least, it shouldn’t have been. Write a letter to your parent of choice, and send it to them. That was easy. His father lived in the same home as Sugawara still, but every time he tried to write down something it wouldn’t come out. Across from Sugawara sat Daichi, who was writing his own letter with an iced coffee halfway finished. 

“What’s your problem with it?” Daichi asked, raising an eyebrow though he was still staring at his screen.

“My dad knows everything about me already. We have dinner and talk about our days. We hang out and watch movies. What could I possibly tell him in a letter that he doesn’t already know?” Sugawara said, leaning back in his chair with a pronounced slouch. 

“You tell your dad everything.” Daichi repeated, a slight tone of disbelief in his voice. Sugawara imagined she was thinking about the keg stand he had attempted at the last party they went to. 

“Everything that I would be willing to tell him.” 

“Right.”

“I’m serious!”

“It sounds like your dad’s your best friend.”

“Well, if I’m not his, then who else is it gonna be?”

Daichi sighed, pushing back from his computer to stare at Sugawara. “Write to your mom.”

“What? No.” Sugawara said. “Where would I even begin with that?”

“Well, it’s not like you talk to her everyday!”

“I don’t have a choice in that!”

“It’s for a grade!”

“No!”

The woman behind the counter in the cafe let out a soft ahem towards the two boys, who silently glared at each other. Daichi let his shoulders drop and rolled his eyes.

“I know you don’t want to.” He said, quietly now that the woman working the counter was watching. “But I think it’d be best for you and your grade.”

“Since when do you care about my grades?”

“Since it interfered with me doing my homework.”

  
  
  


“So, really, what’s wrong?” Sugawara’s father said, sitting across from the white haired boy as he passed the rice.

“Nothing, just an assignment.” 

“You’re having trouble? You know, getting a tutor isn’t something to be ashamed of.”

“No. Not that kind of assignment.” Sugawara said, poking at his dinner unenthusiastically. “We’re supposed to write a letter to a parent. But, you already know everything about me. What could I put in a letter that isn’t just… repetitive?” 

Sugawara’s father put his chin in palm, scrunching his nose slightly in what Sugawara liked to call his ‘thinking face’.

“I think Mom would like to hear from you.” He said finally, leaning back and grabbing some food. “I’ll bring the letter for you, if needed.”

“I’ll just… figure something out.” 

“Sugawara!” Professor Takeda smiled as he walked into the classroom. “How’s your assignment going?”

“It’s fine. Thank you.” Sugawara said softly, ducking his head.

“If you have any problems, let me know.” Takeda said, turning away as Daichi walked. “Good morning, Daichi.”

“Morning!” A voice called as Sugawara stepped out of the cab. “Can I help you?”

A man was standing near the gates, his long brown hair pulled into a low ponytail and his jean overalls covered in grass stains. 

“I’m just here to visit.” Sugawara said, shaking his head as the man unlocked the large iron gate.

“Well, I’m Matsukawa. I’m the caretaker. New resident?” The man asked.

“I just… don’t visit often.” 

“Ah, well I’m sure they’ll be glad to see you, sir.” Matsukawa smiled, motioning Sugawara in. “Tuesdays are quiet, anyways.”

  
  
  


The grave was almost exactly as Sugawara remembered it. The flowers his father put out religiously every week were placed in a small vase next to it, and the engraving of a dove was clearly etched onto the stone tablet. The grass around it was slightly browned in the fall chill, but was well maintained. Sugawara wondered how often Asahi cut the grass. 

“I know it’s been a while, but can you really blame me?” Sugawara said, dropping a blanket on the ground in front of the headstone which he sat upon. “A graveyard’s kind of a depressing place to catch up with your mom.”

The headstone remained silent, and Sugawara let his shoulders fall.

“I haven’t been… ignoring you. It’s just hard to visit when I know you can’t answer me. That’s-“ Sugawara took a deep breath. “I wrote you a letter. It’s not much, and I had to write it for an assignment. I’m in college, now, by the way. You used to joke I’d hate it, and you were right. I don’t understand why I have to pay $100 for a book, Mom.”

Sugawara blinked, his face suddenly warm as tears pricked slightly. He grabbed the letter, and carefully propped it against the headstone. There was a single stamp on the front of it, a white dove carrying the sprig of a tree. Her mother’s favorite animal. 

“I hope that you can read it, wherever you are.”

Sugawara wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his peacoat before folding the blanket over his arm as he walked.

“Done already?” Matsukawa asked, a vase of wilting flowers in his arms.

Sugawara nodded, trying his best to look composed.

Matsukawa smiled slightly and shifted the vase. “Well, I can’t have you go home all distraught. Come on, have some tea with me.”

Sugawara shook her. “I really can’t intrude.”

“I’m not going to poison you.” Matsukawa laughed. “Just because I work here doesn’t mean I want to make more bodies. Now, I won’t take no for an answer, and the caretaker office is rather well furnished, if I do say so myself.”

Sugawara smiled, and followed Matsukawa up a small hill towards a small brick building. 

“I hope you don’t mind me bringing in the flowers.” Matsukawa said, “I normally compost the flowers the family leaves for over a week, but my compost box is a little full right now. As winter comes, less people visit.”

The inside of the office was exactly what you would expect from a fairy’s house in a fantasy novel. The chairs were all plush and soft, and there was a small fireplace with a coffee table in front of it. The drapes were a soft creme color, and were pulled back to let in natural light. There was a bookcase overflowing with novels, and the desk was tucked away in a corner, a single file cabinet next to it. 

“I noticed you were here for the Sugawara plot.” Matsukawa said, before pausing self consciously. “My apologies. I don’t mean to be informal with your relative. But after so many days spent taking care of the plots, you get to know the headstones.”

“It’s okay.” Sugawara smiled, thanking Matsukawa for the cup of tea passed to him. “She was my mother.”

“I’m sorry for your loss. You look rather young. Still school?”

“College. I just started my second semester.”

“You mentioned that you clean up the flowers. Do you ever have other things left on headstones?” Sugawara asked, trying to appear nonchalant.

“I’ll take that to mean you left something besides flowers.” Matsukawa laughed softly. “Yes, some people leave ribbons for cancer patients. I’ve had some people leave jewelry the deceased loved. A few letters have been left behind, too.” 

“What do you do with them?” 

“Well, it depends.” Matsukawa said. “For ribbons, if they’re tied to a vase or to the headstone itself, I leave it until it becomes dirty. Then, normally, I’ll try and find a similar one and replace it. In some cases, I called the family to see if they knew where to find a ribbon. That was for a young boy named Hinata, he passed when he was a teenager. Someone left an orange ribbon with cartoon kittens on it, and I could never find a similar ribbon. So, I got a small box, and placed the ribbon inside of it. The box is still next to his headstone.

“Jewelry is pretty much all the same. I have to call the family and ask if they would like to pick it up or if they would like me to attach it to the headstone. It’s the same as Hinata’s ribbon, except the top of that box is see through, and is completely sealed. I can’t even open those boxes.”

“What about letters?” Sugawara said, tracing his thumb over the rim of his mug.

“I don’t read any of them, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Matsukawa stood from the table, walking over to the filing cabinet. “I actually put them away. Store them just in case. No one’s ever asked for a letter back, but it’s better to make sure I have them all locked in here. There’s a file, generally, for every headstone. If a letter has been left, then that headstone has a file. If not, then no file. But it’s surprisingly common here.”

Matsukawa rummaged through one of the drawers, before pulling out a manilla folder. “I can’t allow you to read the contents of these, I hope you understand. But your mother has received quite a few letters herself.”

The folder was practically overflowing with envelopes. Every single one of them addressed in his father’s handwriting and dated. Every important date had a letter. His mother’s death. Sugawara’s graduation. His acceptance into college. And other days Sugawara could only imagine his father thought were important for his mother to know. The tears came easily now, and Sugawara clapped a hand over his mouth to muffle a sob. 

It was late when Sugawara got home, having spent most of the afternoon in Matsukawa’s company. His father stood at the stove, dinner almost done as Sugawara hugged him tightly. His father laughed, but hugged him back with a kiss on the forehead. 

“It’s not that I don’t love your hugs, but what’s the occasion?” He said as Sugawara pulled away.

“Nothing really. I just wanted to remind you that you’re the best father anyone could ask for. You know that right?”

“Whoa whoa whoa! Watch out, my ego’s gonna get big with talk like that.”

“No, Dad, really.” Sugawara said, and his father’s laughter stopped. “You’re the best dad anyone could ask for and I love you.”

“I love you too, Koushi.”


End file.
